The Back and Forth

The back and forth

The push and pull

I want you

I don't want you

I desperately need you

I can't stand you

I want you to stay.

When will you finally leave?

My heart had no place to land

My heart had no home

My victorious heart beaten

lost

thrown away

tossed aside

Broken...torn...damaged

Trying to piece it back together

Always searching...

Where can my heart land?

Where is a safe place?

I know where my safety lies.

My head knows...my heart still doesn't trust.

I know Who longs to hold my heart and treasure it.

I know Who desires my love above all else.

I know the lengths He goes to show His love.

When will I trust?

When will I believe?

when will I allow my heart go to the One Who created it?

Healing comes...

Yesterday I walked in the house that used to be my own and broke down.

the pain
the grief
the loss

Last night, the healing began.

prayer
Scripture
God...just spending time with God.

A strength began to grow.

time for life to change
time to make it my own

this is my story
this is my song
praising my Savior all the day long
this is my story
this is my song
praising my Savior all the day long

Grief uncovered leads to a grief healed.

I thought I had grieved.  Goodness knows I've cried rivers of tears.

Psalm 56:8New Living Translation (NLT)

8     You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book.
You keep track of all my sorrows.

Bet that book is pretty thick after the past few years.

I'm not going to say I'm finished, that I'm done, completely healed.  
Is that even possible?

But I'm ready to make a life of my own.
On HIS terms, not mine.

Sometimes the pain can come out of nowhere...

you thought you had dealt with it.
you thought you were through it.

then it hits you.

Nothing will ever be like it was.

I don't have someone by my side anymore.
I don't have my sons living with me anymore.
I don't have my house anymore.
I don't have the same friends anymore
I don't even have my dog anymore.

Divorce sucks.

a death of a dream
a death of ideals and beliefs

Loss...

I thought I'd been picking up the pieces and putting me back together.
Have I really?
Or have I been pushing them to the side, ignoring them.
Trying not to feel or deal with the pain of the loss of my life.

Father God,

Heal me.
Help me.
Give me strength
Put me back together
I feel so lost.
Lead me
Show me
Love me

Just me..

I am who I am.

Daughter
Mother
Friend

Rough around the edges because of life.

Loved by God
Lover of God

A bit sassy
A bit sarcastic

I laugh
I cry

Finally at the point where all I want to be is who God wants me to be.  Nothing else.
No other labels.
No other expectations.

I am His only.

Set apart for a time to become...to learn...to experience what He has for me.

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Unbreakable - Fireflight

For my daughter

I feel expectant.
I feel an idea, a dream being ready to be birthed.

For my daughter...
For your daughter...
For our daughters...

Empowerment
Strength

They are MIGHTY in Christ.

It is time to teach our daughters to be strong in Christ.
It is time to teach our daughters the power they have through Christ.
It is time to teach our daughters their worth in Christ.

They will be shaken
They will fall
but if they have a firm foundation in Christ...

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
I will not be moved....

He knew

There's a lot said about Jesus welcoming the children. One of the main stories taught in children's church. The disciples tried to push them away, but Christ wanted to be with them. I wonder if they were laughing and running around him. Tugging on his robes. Playing with them. Or did they sit in awe of Him?  Did they scramble in His lap to be held by Him?  One day, I imagine, we will know. 

One story that's also told, though not to children, is of the woman who came and anointed His feet with her hair. 

Reading a few different translations, one says "a Sinful Woman". One says "an especially wicked sinner". Yeah. Really. I guess that needs to be told. It's not pretty, but it's real. Parts of our story aren't pretty, but they are real and important. 

In knowing that she was a sinner, even an especially wicked one, we understand. She had made some wrong choices. She had lost her way. She was broken and bruised. 

The Pharisee had no sympathy for her. Didn't want her in his home. Said to himself, "If He only knew what she had done!"  Can you imagine the look of disgust on his face?  I can. 

But Jesus did know. He knew. He knew the depths of her sin. He knew the pain that she caused in her sin. He knew!

And forgave her. 

He allowed her to come close to him. To honor him. To worship him. Because he also knew her heart. He knew how much she needed his forgiveness. He knew how broken she was because of her sin. He knew how much she needed healing. 

He know how much she needed his love. 

His unconditional love. 

He told her to enter into peace. Enter into the freedom from all the distresses that are experiences as a result of sin. (Luke 7:50 AMP)

He knew her sin. He knew her. And he welcomed her to Him. He took her sin and gave her peace and forgiveness. 

I will not be moved!

Woke up today depressed.  Just did not want to get up and work out like I had planned.
Made coffee.
Sat in the bed and watched Walking Dead.
Seeing people die really helped.  (sarcasm there)

Decided to shower and get ready for work.  Sigh....

I don't remember exactly how I decided, but I put on my Mandisa station on Pandora.
Wow...

First song was hers.  Stronger

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

This song was one I listened to over and over while I was pregnant.  I didn't know how I would make it through.  But I had no choice.  I had to be strong.  For me, for my boys, for my baby girl.

Then the song, In Christ Alone, came on.  yeah...Ok, God.  I see what you're doing.  

Then the ultimate.  My life song.  

I Will Not Be Moved.

I listened to it and just cried.

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned sovereignty
and had my share of doubts
And though sometimes my prayers feel like they're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
and is the reason why...

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart many times before
My life has been like broken glass, and I have kept the score
of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
that I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see it's grace I'm standing on

It felt like Christ just came down in my pit and raised me up.  I felt a strength I hadn't felt in so long.

4 years....almost 4 years ago to the day I jumped into the pit.  4 years ago, my life changed forever.

Genesis 50:20You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result—the survival of many people.

What was meant to bring me down, humiliate me, shame me is being used for good!  God is using it!  God is allowing me to share my story with other women and encouraging them.  

I was down for a time, but I'm back.  I feel His power.  I feel His grace.  I feel His love and acceptance.  

I 

Will

Not 

Be

Moved

Natalie Grant - I will not be moved  Watch her!  Love her.  She rocks!!