Once Again

Once Again
          I tried to fill the empty space with something else.

Once Again
          I didn't look to You

Once Again
          I have tears and sadness

Once Again
          I see my need for You

Once Again
           I cry out for You to fill me

Once Again
           You remind me of Your Presence

Once Again
          You remind me of Your Love

Once Again
          You are there

Here we are.... Once Again

Moment of weakness

Loneliness making me weak
Making me turn to you

I'm looking for something...
Asking you for something...

You don't even respond
You only want what you want
No care for me - my needs - my heart

Breaking again,
Feelings of worthlessness

But no...

Those are lies

I can stop this cycle
It's in my power to say no

This is not my story

My Searching Heart

Where is home?

A place to land
A place to feel safe
A place to feel loved
A place to feel accepted

Always searching...

Home in my Father
Resting in His Peace
Learning His Love
Learning His Depth

then the doubts, the fears, the loneliness come and cause my heart to search once again.

Trust - Faith

Come to Me
Piece by Piece - Restoration

Restless Heart - when will you allow yourself to heal?

Chaos to Beauty...

the chaos in my life
has been a badge I've worn
though I have been torn
I will not be moved...
Natalie Grant

This song hit me in a different way this morning.

the chaos in my life
has been a badge I've worn

I've worn the mess, the ugliness, the chaos in my life as a badge...
I've earned it.
I've been through hell.

Lost what my life was
Lost friends
Lost myself

I've cried.
I've talked about it
I've grieved
I've mourned

Time to see the beauty.
Time to see me.

The joy
The free spirit
The future I have

What is God up to in my life?

the adventure awaits...

Time to move on.

The Back and Forth

The back and forth

The push and pull

I want you

I don't want you

I desperately need you

I can't stand you

I want you to stay.

When will you finally leave?

My heart had no place to land

My heart had no home

My victorious heart beaten

lost

thrown away

tossed aside

Broken...torn...damaged

Trying to piece it back together

Always searching...

Where can my heart land?

Where is a safe place?

I know where my safety lies.

My head knows...my heart still doesn't trust.

I know Who longs to hold my heart and treasure it.

I know Who desires my love above all else.

I know the lengths He goes to show His love.

When will I trust?

When will I believe?

when will I allow my heart go to the One Who created it?

Healing comes...

Yesterday I walked in the house that used to be my own and broke down.

the pain
the grief
the loss

Last night, the healing began.

prayer
Scripture
God...just spending time with God.

A strength began to grow.

time for life to change
time to make it my own

this is my story
this is my song
praising my Savior all the day long
this is my story
this is my song
praising my Savior all the day long

Grief uncovered leads to a grief healed.

I thought I had grieved.  Goodness knows I've cried rivers of tears.

Psalm 56:8New Living Translation (NLT)

8     You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book.
You keep track of all my sorrows.

Bet that book is pretty thick after the past few years.

I'm not going to say I'm finished, that I'm done, completely healed.  
Is that even possible?

But I'm ready to make a life of my own.
On HIS terms, not mine.

Sometimes the pain can come out of nowhere...

you thought you had dealt with it.
you thought you were through it.

then it hits you.

Nothing will ever be like it was.

I don't have someone by my side anymore.
I don't have my sons living with me anymore.
I don't have my house anymore.
I don't have the same friends anymore
I don't even have my dog anymore.

Divorce sucks.

a death of a dream
a death of ideals and beliefs

Loss...

I thought I'd been picking up the pieces and putting me back together.
Have I really?
Or have I been pushing them to the side, ignoring them.
Trying not to feel or deal with the pain of the loss of my life.

Father God,

Heal me.
Help me.
Give me strength
Put me back together
I feel so lost.
Lead me
Show me
Love me