Wow...It's always awesome to look back and see where God has taken you. I wouldn't have thought a year ago that I would be in seminary. I knew I wanted to, but didn't seem possible. I was worried about money, time and other things, but God made it happen.

I don't know exactly where this journey will lead me. I'm learning a lot already. God is stretching me...which is a good thing. I had gotten really comfortable in my box. I can't wait to see where I am in a year.

My biggest struggle is not wasting my time and not giving away my time. I tend to waste time on the computer or tv. Stupid stuff like that. I'm so bad about giving away my time to things that are good, but things I don't need to do.

I'm stressed this week.
Today is school.
Tomorrow I work with Vicki and have eye doctor appointments for me and Devan. Plus, Jon wants to work on the Homecoming float so he can be on it.
Wednesday, I help at church.
Thursday...That's my day that I need for school and home. It usually doesn't work out that way.
Friday I sub. (It's gotten to where I hate subbing...HATE IT! But need the money to pay for school.)

And! Devan wants to go to the doctor for a sore throat. I just think it's allergies, but he's had it for a week. I don't want him to think it's not important to me...but I think he does.

Oh...and 42 bags to be painted for Kairos a week from Wednesday...

Oh, Father...please show me what I need to do and let go of what I don't need.
Help me not to feel guilt, but to feel free to do Your will for me.
Show me Your path
Show me Your perfect will for me.
My heart is to please you, but the need to please others sometimes overpowers it.
Please send your peace...your love
And please please please help my sleep past 3am tonight. It's been 2 nights in a row and I'm so tired.
I love you...
I need you desparately!

A New Season

I'm starting a new season. I will add student to my list of duties. I'm really excited about learning and growing. Though, not looking forward to papers and presentations. But, I know it's all a part of getting outside of my box and more into what God wants for me.

This is also going to be a time of learning to totally depend on God. I can't do it all. I'm a wife, mom, student, substitute teacher and Wednesday night director at church. Oh, and as of last night, room mom in Jon's class. Totally didn't expect that. But there are some pretty awesome moms in the class too, so it's not all on me.

I was telling a friend yesterday that I need to get some of the fluff out of my life. It's really time to buckle down and not waste time. I had started off last summer thinking that I would be just subbing some and helping out at the schools this school year, but you know things never turn out like you thought.

I thought school would come in January, but nope, it's now.
I thought I'd be starting out as Wednesday night director in January, but nope, it's now.

I feel I have a lot going on, but also feel that I'm right in His will. So, I know that whatever God gives me to do, He will give me the strength and power to do.

1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

2 Chronicles 16:9
For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

The Power of Choice

Last night was a good night. I am now the director of our Wednesday night children's program. I came early to help with whatever needed doing.

So not to make this post long and boring, I will just say there were a few opportunities for me to really let my thoughts to break me down. Silly mistakes, but since I worry so much about people's approval, they could have become really big in my mind. But, I didn't let that happen. I laughed at myself and moved on. A HUGE step for me last night!! Funny thing is that the instances that happened weren't ones that anyone saw. Just me, but it's so easy for me to break myself down over the little things.

I came home feeling that I had more confidence in myself. I'm so glad I have this opportunity to serve and to learn. I am a part of a great ministry and I'm looking forward to growing with them!

Bottom line is I had a choice to allow myself to break down or just laugh it off and continue. For the first time in a while, I made the right choice!

Scaredy Cat

Why am I so afraid to move forward into what God has for me?

I'm afraid I won't measure up to someone else's standards.

God led me to put together curriculum for a daycamp that was held last month at our church. It was such a cool thing to just experience God working through me. It just flowed beautifully, as only He can do it. That week came and I had such an attack of insecurity and anxiety. I wasn't able to enjoy it at all! I wanted so much to get approval from people that I let it steal any joy, any blessing, I could have received that week.

That kinda threw me into a downward spiral. Didn't want to leave the house, disconnected a bit. It was a tough month for me.

Hindsight is 20/20. What I see now is that satan wanted to steal the joy and blessing from me and he knew how to do it. INSECURITY

I didn't do it right
I look stupid
I'm an idiot
They don't like me.

I should know by now that when God calls me to do something, He will equip me.
When He calls me, it's because He believes in me. He knows me. (Psalm 139)

He loves me!

I have GOT to stop looking at people for approval or acceptance. It's only His that I need. Besides, I have an absolutely wonderful husband that loves me and has put up with me for 18 1/2 years. Parents that support and believe in me, Friends that do the same. I am so blessed.
If someone doesn't like me or whatever...that's what I should say...WHATEVER! LOL!

I've been reading Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity, and it's helped me see a lot. I'm hoping that next time, I'll be prepared a bit more.

On another note: I sent off my application for Seminary today. We'll see what happens!!

Living up to my name

I'm having one of those days where the songs I listen to and the shows I watch have a theme. Beth Moore, Joyce Meyer and a couple songs on the radio as I was taking Devan to band all had the theme of healing.

If you know me even the least little bit, you know how my insecurity hinders me. Last month I have fought it and sometimes let it win. I don't know where it came from or when it started. I just know it's time for some victory. My name, Nicole, means "victory of the people". One time I had a pin that had my name on it that said "Victorious Heart" on it.

I have these moments of victory, but they don't last. I don't know if it's tied up in not being as consistent as I need to be in my walk with God or something that needs to be dealt with or maybe both...I don't know.

I just know that I'm tired of it. Is this to be a thorn in my side like Paul had? Is it something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life or is this is a place where I can have victory?

I wish I could get away for a day or two, even a few hours and just sit with God.
I know that this is a good place to be, desperate for a touch, a word from God.

Please pray for me as I seek Him.

Healing Begins - Tenth Avenue North