My Defining Moment

In Shelia Walsh's book "5 Minutes with Jesus", she talks about a woman that she ended up sitting next to on a plane.  A woman who was reading one of her books.  The woman talked about how she felt stuck.  Shelia asked her why and she told her it was a long story.  Don't we all have them?

Shelia told her she wanted to hear the long story, but give it to her in 5 minutes. In her book, she says, "I have found that this exercise effectively reveals what we consider the most significant moments in our lives."

I decided to do that.  What would be my story in 5 minutes?

Of course the main thing I thought of was my sin.  That was a defining moment in my life.  Changed my whole world.  That's what I was hanging on to.  What I did.  That's how I defined myself.

Today, I'm giving myself a new defining moment.  March 16, 2015.  (Look back at that post)

Day I decided to tell God, "I'm back!"  

It's been quite a journey since that moment, but today marks yet another defining moment.  

I'm no longer living in my old self.

I am redeemed

I am restored

I am greatly loved by God.  

My defining moments will no longer be what I did, but what God has done in my life.

It's about Him.  

His healing

His love

For His glory

Be the one

Be the one that soothes my soul

Be the one that kindles the fire

Be the one that brings me to life

Be the one that loves all of me

Be the one that puts me first

Be the one that seeks me

Be the one that pursues me

Be the one that I pursue

Be the one I can't live without 

Be the one I love completely

Be the one I put first

Be the one I think of first 

Be the one I I live for

Be the one I take every breath for

Heavenly Father

Be the One

Comes in waves

Grief comes in waves. 

Healing seems to also

When you reach out finally

Express your sorrow for your actions 

Healing comes 

Freedom comes

Relief 

Time to move on 

Time to see what's next 

It's time

My sin is no longer mine. 

I asked forgiveness 

I received it

Jesus took it

God threw it as far as the east is from the west. 

He no longer remembers it. 

Why am I hanging onto it?

Why am I living condemned?

It's time to live forgiven

It's time to live free

What about me

Love unconditional

Acceptance 

Understanding 

Looking for it in places it can't be found

Only offered with conditions

Expectations 

Theirs not mine

Fit the mold

Do what they think is right

Don't even try to understand my reasons

my whys 

Still being broken 

Still being wounded 

Ones I'm supposed to trust

To count on

Can't be

Don't I even matter

My hurts

My heart

My mind

Move on

faith?

faith

trust

believe 

i do

i don't 

i want to

help my unbelief 

words earnestly spoken

heart's cry

help me trust You

help me have faith in You

help me to believe You

i want to

more than anything

want to trust You

with my life

with my heart

with my deepest desires

help my unbelief

The shadow

Divorce creates an emptiness... A void

There was someone there

Then there is not. 

Trying to find someone to fill the void. Who will fit? 

I try one or the other. 

No. 

No.

Try to ignore it. 

Try to pretty it up with things, friends.

Doesn't change it. 

Still an empty place. 

Like a shadow. 

Following me around. 

Never letting me forget. 

Alone. 

Empty.

Once Again

Once Again
          I tried to fill the empty space with something else.

Once Again
          I didn't look to You

Once Again
          I have tears and sadness

Once Again
          I see my need for You

Once Again
           I cry out for You to fill me

Once Again
           You remind me of Your Presence

Once Again
          You remind me of Your Love

Once Again
          You are there

Here we are.... Once Again

Moment of weakness

Loneliness making me weak
Making me turn to you

I'm looking for something...
Asking you for something...

You don't even respond
You only want what you want
No care for me - my needs - my heart

Breaking again,
Feelings of worthlessness

But no...

Those are lies

I can stop this cycle
It's in my power to say no

This is not my story

My Searching Heart

Where is home?

A place to land
A place to feel safe
A place to feel loved
A place to feel accepted

Always searching...

Home in my Father
Resting in His Peace
Learning His Love
Learning His Depth

then the doubts, the fears, the loneliness come and cause my heart to search once again.

Trust - Faith

Come to Me
Piece by Piece - Restoration

Restless Heart - when will you allow yourself to heal?

Chaos to Beauty...

the chaos in my life
has been a badge I've worn
though I have been torn
I will not be moved...
Natalie Grant

This song hit me in a different way this morning.

the chaos in my life
has been a badge I've worn

I've worn the mess, the ugliness, the chaos in my life as a badge...
I've earned it.
I've been through hell.

Lost what my life was
Lost friends
Lost myself

I've cried.
I've talked about it
I've grieved
I've mourned

Time to see the beauty.
Time to see me.

The joy
The free spirit
The future I have

What is God up to in my life?

the adventure awaits...

Time to move on.

The Back and Forth

The back and forth

The push and pull

I want you

I don't want you

I desperately need you

I can't stand you

I want you to stay.

When will you finally leave?

My heart had no place to land

My heart had no home

My victorious heart beaten

lost

thrown away

tossed aside

Broken...torn...damaged

Trying to piece it back together

Always searching...

Where can my heart land?

Where is a safe place?

I know where my safety lies.

My head knows...my heart still doesn't trust.

I know Who longs to hold my heart and treasure it.

I know Who desires my love above all else.

I know the lengths He goes to show His love.

When will I trust?

When will I believe?

when will I allow my heart go to the One Who created it?

Healing comes...

Yesterday I walked in the house that used to be my own and broke down.

the pain
the grief
the loss

Last night, the healing began.

prayer
Scripture
God...just spending time with God.

A strength began to grow.

time for life to change
time to make it my own

this is my story
this is my song
praising my Savior all the day long
this is my story
this is my song
praising my Savior all the day long

Grief uncovered leads to a grief healed.

I thought I had grieved.  Goodness knows I've cried rivers of tears.

Psalm 56:8New Living Translation (NLT)

8     You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book.
You keep track of all my sorrows.

Bet that book is pretty thick after the past few years.

I'm not going to say I'm finished, that I'm done, completely healed.  
Is that even possible?

But I'm ready to make a life of my own.
On HIS terms, not mine.

Sometimes the pain can come out of nowhere...

you thought you had dealt with it.
you thought you were through it.

then it hits you.

Nothing will ever be like it was.

I don't have someone by my side anymore.
I don't have my sons living with me anymore.
I don't have my house anymore.
I don't have the same friends anymore
I don't even have my dog anymore.

Divorce sucks.

a death of a dream
a death of ideals and beliefs

Loss...

I thought I'd been picking up the pieces and putting me back together.
Have I really?
Or have I been pushing them to the side, ignoring them.
Trying not to feel or deal with the pain of the loss of my life.

Father God,

Heal me.
Help me.
Give me strength
Put me back together
I feel so lost.
Lead me
Show me
Love me

Just me..

I am who I am.

Daughter
Mother
Friend

Rough around the edges because of life.

Loved by God
Lover of God

A bit sassy
A bit sarcastic

I laugh
I cry

Finally at the point where all I want to be is who God wants me to be.  Nothing else.
No other labels.
No other expectations.

I am His only.

Set apart for a time to become...to learn...to experience what He has for me.

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Unbreakable - Fireflight

For my daughter

I feel expectant.
I feel an idea, a dream being ready to be birthed.

For my daughter...
For your daughter...
For our daughters...

Empowerment
Strength

They are MIGHTY in Christ.

It is time to teach our daughters to be strong in Christ.
It is time to teach our daughters the power they have through Christ.
It is time to teach our daughters their worth in Christ.

They will be shaken
They will fall
but if they have a firm foundation in Christ...

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
I will not be moved....

He knew

There's a lot said about Jesus welcoming the children. One of the main stories taught in children's church. The disciples tried to push them away, but Christ wanted to be with them. I wonder if they were laughing and running around him. Tugging on his robes. Playing with them. Or did they sit in awe of Him?  Did they scramble in His lap to be held by Him?  One day, I imagine, we will know. 

One story that's also told, though not to children, is of the woman who came and anointed His feet with her hair. 

Reading a few different translations, one says "a Sinful Woman". One says "an especially wicked sinner". Yeah. Really. I guess that needs to be told. It's not pretty, but it's real. Parts of our story aren't pretty, but they are real and important. 

In knowing that she was a sinner, even an especially wicked one, we understand. She had made some wrong choices. She had lost her way. She was broken and bruised. 

The Pharisee had no sympathy for her. Didn't want her in his home. Said to himself, "If He only knew what she had done!"  Can you imagine the look of disgust on his face?  I can. 

But Jesus did know. He knew. He knew the depths of her sin. He knew the pain that she caused in her sin. He knew!

And forgave her. 

He allowed her to come close to him. To honor him. To worship him. Because he also knew her heart. He knew how much she needed his forgiveness. He knew how broken she was because of her sin. He knew how much she needed healing. 

He know how much she needed his love. 

His unconditional love. 

He told her to enter into peace. Enter into the freedom from all the distresses that are experiences as a result of sin. (Luke 7:50 AMP)

He knew her sin. He knew her. And he welcomed her to Him. He took her sin and gave her peace and forgiveness. 

I will not be moved!

Woke up today depressed.  Just did not want to get up and work out like I had planned.
Made coffee.
Sat in the bed and watched Walking Dead.
Seeing people die really helped.  (sarcasm there)

Decided to shower and get ready for work.  Sigh....

I don't remember exactly how I decided, but I put on my Mandisa station on Pandora.
Wow...

First song was hers.  Stronger

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

This song was one I listened to over and over while I was pregnant.  I didn't know how I would make it through.  But I had no choice.  I had to be strong.  For me, for my boys, for my baby girl.

Then the song, In Christ Alone, came on.  yeah...Ok, God.  I see what you're doing.  

Then the ultimate.  My life song.  

I Will Not Be Moved.

I listened to it and just cried.

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned sovereignty
and had my share of doubts
And though sometimes my prayers feel like they're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
and is the reason why...

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart many times before
My life has been like broken glass, and I have kept the score
of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
that I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see it's grace I'm standing on

It felt like Christ just came down in my pit and raised me up.  I felt a strength I hadn't felt in so long.

4 years....almost 4 years ago to the day I jumped into the pit.  4 years ago, my life changed forever.

Genesis 50:20You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result—the survival of many people.

What was meant to bring me down, humiliate me, shame me is being used for good!  God is using it!  God is allowing me to share my story with other women and encouraging them.  

I was down for a time, but I'm back.  I feel His power.  I feel His grace.  I feel His love and acceptance.  

I 

Will

Not 

Be

Moved

Natalie Grant - I will not be moved  Watch her!  Love her.  She rocks!!

What's expected?

I've always wanted to know what's expected of me.  What do you expect of me at work?  At home?  In a relationship?  

God is no different.

What does He expect of me?

What I thought He expected...
Perfection.

That word sums it up.  

If I lived my life perfectly...
Read my Bible every day
Listen to only Christian Music
Don't drink...don't smoke...
Fit in the mold of "Christianity".  

Be the perfect Christian...woman...wife...mother....

Well, I wasn't.  Not by a long shot.  I failed.  Pretty publicly too. 

I was putting the cart before the horse.

What does the Lord require?

Micah 6:8Amplified Bible (AMP)

8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God?

Matthew 22:37-39Amplified Bible (AMP)37 And He replied to him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (intellect).38 This is the great (most important, principal) and first commandment.

39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself. 

Love Him...That's what He requires of us.  That's what He wants.  Us to love Him.

I don't have to worry about being anything or anyone, just love Him.
Everything else will fall into place.